The Explosive Child - Những đứa trẻ dễ bùng nổ

Là những trẻ có hành vi tệ mặc dù cha mẹ đã áp dụng các hình thức motivation, limit setting, ...

Nguyên nhân là do trẻ thiếu hẳn kỹ năng: linh hoạt, chấp nhận những gì khó chịu, và giải quyết vấn đề.

Một số kỹ năng trẻ này thường thiếu:
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Cách giải quyết: 3 bước

Bước 1: Đồng cảm
Mục đích là thu thập thông tin từ trẻ để hiểu rõ hơn những khúc mắc hoặc cách nhìn của trẻ với một vấn đề.
Nên nói với thái độ trung lập, ví dụ "Mẹ để ý thấy là....(những gì quan sát thấy - không phải cảm nhận chủ quan).  Sao thế?"

Ở chương sau sẽ nói làm thế nào để trẻ có khả năng diễn đạt ngôn ngữ kém vẫn trình bày được ở bước này

Bước 2: Tìm ra vấn đề
"Mẹ e là....." - Vấn đề là..."

Bước 3: Mời con cùng tìm ra hướng giải quyết
"Hãy cùng nghĩ xem mình sẽ giải quyết vấn đề này thế nào nhé"

Alternatives to threats (ages 6 to 8)

We've all been there: Your grade-schooler does something you don't want her to, over and over again. Finally, you snap and threaten to ground her for life if it happens again. Here, tips for saying something you won't regret later:

You want your child to:	Instead of this:	Say this:	Which is better because:
Go to bed and stay there	"If you get out of bed one more time, I'll scream."	"After you go to bed, I expect you to stay there."	The expectation for the behavior is clear and unemotional.
Eat her peas and carrots	"You're going to sit at the table until you finish your peas."	"Remember — no snacks after dinner."	It reminds her that the kitchen's closed, but she can still choose whether or not to eat.
Do her homework	"You can't play until your homework's done."	"I'll drive you to Ellie's as soon as you finish your work."	It rewards instead of punishes.
Brush her teeth	"No bedtime story if you don't brush your teeth."	"It's time for bed. What do you do first to get ready?"	It lets her know it's time for her bedtime routine without being punitive.
Behave in the grocery store	"Stop running now or no TV when we get home."	"Can you help me find the cereal you like?"	It distracts from the negative behavior and offers a positive alternative.
Feed the dog	"Feed the dog or we'll give him away."	"The dog looks hungry. Here's his food."	It reminds your child of her responsibility.
Ask without whining	"If you whine once more, I'll take your Powerpuff Girls away."	"I'd like to listen, but I can only understand your normal voice."	It lets her know you're interested in what she's saying, but won't accept the tone.
Clean up her room	"No dinner until your room is clean."	"I'd like you to pick up your toys and put them in your toy chest. Do you want to do that before or after dinner?"	It makes your expectations clear, but also gives your grade-schooler a choice.
Stop tattling	"I'm not taking a tattletale to the playground."	"It sounds like you're upset with your sister. You need to tell her why."	It helps your youngster understand that kids have to work it out together.
Be quiet in the car	"If you scream one more time, we'll turn around and go home."	"I'm having a hard time driving. I need to pull over until you're settled."	It lets your child know the effect, limits, and consequences of her behavior.

Dorothy Foltz-Gray is a freelance writer and mother of two in Knoxville, Tenn.

To share your thoughts and concerns about your child's behavior problems with other parents, see our bulletin boards.

Moving beyond threats (ages 6 to 8)

Why it happens

Sometimes an evil alien invades my body, pushing me to commit regrettable acts. I know this because last week I howled at my son Matthew: "If you don't keep the cedar shavings off the floor, the hamsters will have to go!" This broke his heart. It did nothing to clean up the cedar shavings.

Like most parents, when I'm feeling powerless or exasperated, I sometimes pepper my two sons with threats. I picture Matthew's room teeming with hamsters and sawdust, and my frustration erupts in cliches: Clean it up or...or...or else! There's got to be a better way.

There is. Although threats may be one of the most frequently used weapons in your discipline arsenal, they're hardly an effective or loving way to spur action or teach responsibility. Yet from time to time, we all fall back on threats, often absurd ones that leave us feeling foolish and the problem unresolved.

Getting out of the threat rut isn't easy. There are some creative alternatives, though. When you find yourself tempted to tyrannize, these six strategies may help turn threatening moments into nurturing ones.

What to do

Give choices. The biggest problem with threats is that they tatter self-esteem and inspire fear or rebellion. "Threats are a message of distrust," says Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. "Your child hears, 'You can't be trusted to control yourself, so I'm going to control you.'"

Giving choices, on the other hand, puts your grade-schooler in charge, preventing fruitless and stressful stalemates. Instead of saying, "If you don't turn your boom box down, I'll take it away," say, "Hey, that hurts my ears. So would you rather listen to something a little less raucous, or take it in your room?" Participating in this type of decision-making teaches her to think for herself and to assume responsibility for her actions. Talk to your grade-schooler and say, "We have a problem. How can we solve it?" That way, the situation becomes you and your grade-schooler against a problem, instead of you against your grade-schooler.

Follow through. Another drawback of using threats is that they're often too extreme or inconvenient and therefore impossible to execute. "If you can't follow through," says St. Louis family therapist Evonne Weinhaus, coauthor of Stop Struggling With Your Child, "you're going to appear spineless, and your kid will trample you."

Suppose that night after night your grade-schooler can't tear herself away from her neighborhood buddies to come in for dinner. You tell her, "If you're late for dinner again, you can't play outside tomorrow night!" Chances are she won't take you seriously, and the nightly struggle will continue unabated. Instead, change your behavior. Say: "I'm going to close the kitchen at 6:30, so if you get hungry later, you'll have to eat your dinner cold." That's something you can follow through on, and when you do, she'll probably be at the table on time — at least for a week or two afterward.

Reverse a threat. Threats have a way of sneaking up on you. Often the words are already out of your mouth before you realize how ridiculous they sound. When this happens, there's nothing wrong with rewinding the tape and trying again. Imagine, for instance, you're grocery shopping when your grade-schooler starts throwing junk-food item after junk-food item in the cart, ignoring your requests to stop. Finally, you get so frustrated that you threaten to make her leave and sit in the car alone.

Think better of resorting to this kind of threat. If it's too late, tell your grade-schooler, "I made a mistake. If you can't follow my rules in the store, I better take you home where someone can watch you while I shop, and I'll give you a chance to try again soon." This response — to replace a hollow threat with a solution that gives your child a second chance — is a sensible approach. After all, every parent blows it once in a while. The important thing is to go back and talk about what happened. Use it as a learning opportunity between you and your grade-schooler.

Set clear expectations. Grocery trips are, of course, a classic stress-builder for parents, and threats fill the aisles like soup cans. To avoid this scenario, prepare your grade-schooler before you head to the store. Tell her how you expect her to behave. Explain, for instance, that you'd like her to help you track down the items you need. When you arrive at the store, ask her what you'd like her to do. When she answers, "Help you find things," congratulate her on her good memory. Then ask her to find an item or two in each aisle. This makes shopping seem like a treasure hunt and gives the errand a positive spin from the get-go.

Of course, it doesn't always work that way. You get to the store, and not only does your shopping companion refuse to help you find things, but she also has a fit when you won't buy the sugary cereal she's been begging for. What then? On the way there, when you tell your grade-schooler how you expect her to behave, also explain what'll happen if she doesn't cooperate. Tell her, "If you help me find the things we need, you can pick the cereal you like. If you don't help me, we'll have to go home without any cereal." If your grade-schooler still refuses to cooperate, stand firm and invoke the consequence you've talked about.

Keep cool, think positive. Staying calm and confident might sound like a tall order, but it can make a big difference. One reason threats often fail to control your grade-schooler is that they whip up emotions rather than defuse them. When Jennifer Chin-Alfers and Jay Alfers of Novi, Mich., used threats to discipline their daughter, Andi, 6, and son, Ian, 4, for instance, the friction only got worse. "If I asked them to do something and they didn't do it, I'd start yelling," Jay says. "Or we'd threaten to take away a privilege, like being with friends. But then a lot of the time we wouldn't follow through."

Your grade-schooler is more apt to learn how to behave if you give her constant, positive reinforcement. So consider using a reward system to help her overcome a major challenge. If she's in and out of bed like a jack-in-the-box every evening, for instance, put a star on a special calendar for each night that she stays put. When she's racked up a week's worth of stars, reward her with a small toy or a special outing. She may still struggle with sleeping alone, but this method is more likely to lead to success than you ranting and raving.

Reconsider the situation. As we all know, sometimes the best-laid plans fail miserably — and in that case, maybe it's your expectation, not your grade-schooler's behavior, that's out of line. You may need to examine what you're asking of her. If she's been cooped up all day and really needs a chance to unwind, for instance, it's not a good idea to take her to a restaurant where she has to sit still.

So maybe a mother who finds herself in a sea of hamster sawdust needs to rethink the menagerie instead of making threats. Is it possible for my son Matthew to take care of his cat, his rabbit, his turtle, and his eight hamsters without feeling overwhelmed? Well, once we both talked about it, Matthew and I agreed that maybe a pared-down household would be more fun than a grouchy Mama shouting, "Or else!"

And if I do threaten now and then, I try to cut myself some slack — after all, every parent goes over the top occasionally. It isn't one or two threats but your everyday approach to your grade-schooler that matters most. If you're always on a tirade, always critical, you're wasting chances to have gratifying interactions with her. You're faced with many challenges as a parent, but if you handle them gracefully, the majority of your interactions with your child will be positive ones.

Before a threat escapes your lips, click here to find a better alternative.

To share your thoughts and concerns about your child's behavior problems with other parents, see our bulletin boards.

What to do when time-outs don't work (ages 6 to 8)

Why it happens

Every once in a while, when you're at your wits' end, you give your misbehaving grade-schooler a time-out — removing him from the action for a little solitary quiet time. The problem is, it never seems to work. Maybe he throws a tantrum, maybe he runs off in the other direction, or maybe he teasingly ignores your request to stay in his time-out spot. Should you abandon this discipline method, or stick with it? Stick with it, but do a little time-out troubleshooting first — perhaps your technique could simply use a tune-up.

What to do if:

Your child doesn't take time-outs seriously. Consistency is the key here: Don't call a time-out today but skip it tomorrow for the same behavior because you're in a better mood. And always follow through on a warning if your child doesn't heed you.

It's also important to give the time-out on the spot. Don't wait 30 minutes — or even five — until it's more convenient. If you're out in public, give the time-out right where you are. At the supermarket, you might have your grade-schooler sit on the floor in an out-of-the-way corner, or take him to the car if he's out of control. If you wait until you get home, you lose the opportunity to use time-out in the way it's intended. As soon as a time-out is disconnected from the immediate behavior, it becomes a threat, and then a punishment, and doesn't teach your child much. Remember that the point of time-out is not to make your kid quake in his Keds. It's simply to help him (and you) cool off and regain self-control.

Your grade-schooler thinks it's a big game.Remember, your attitude cues your child: If you're serious about time-out, he'll have to be, too. A cool, matter-of-fact demeanor works best. If your facial expression or tone of voice betrays exasperation, your child is sure to pick up on it. And, of course, it's vital to keep a straight face, even if he's shamelessly kissing up to you or showing impressive negotiating skills in an attempt to wheedle his way out of a time-out.

Your child won't stay put. When your grade-schooler refuses to go to his time-out place and stay there, he needs your help. Walk him to the chosen spot, and calmly instruct him to sit down. If he springs up, gently sit him back down again. Don't let these jack-in-the-box pop-ups become a game, though. If your youngster gets up a third time, simply sit down with him and hold him in your arms for the duration of the time-out. Do this consistently and without scolding. And it goes without saying that you should never jerk or force your child to his time-out spot.

If your grade-schooler simply won't stay in a time-out, there's little you can do to force the issue (short of pinning him to the floor — hardly a dignified position for either of you). But do let him know that there will be a consequence. This might mean missing his favorite TV show that day, or temporarily losing access to whatever it was that set him off in the first place.

Your child cries and yells through the whole time-out. It's upsetting to listen to, but a dramatic show of tears doesn't mean the time-out isn't working. Kids this age do get very angry sometimes, and your child doesn't have to sit as quiet as a mouse to learn something from this suspension of activity. Your mission: To ignore the hubbub. Trying to get your grade-schooler to quiet down only introduces a new power struggle and distracts from the point you're trying to make. Most kids calm down eventually. Even if yours doesn't, the key issue is whether he continues to misbehave after the time-out. If his actions and composure improve, you've made your point.

It helps to begin a time-out before your child reaches the point of no return. Intervene with diversionary tactics at the first signs of an impending meltdown. If those don't work, go promptly to time-out.

After a time-out, your child continues to misbehave. Give it time. When you try a new (or long-neglected) approach, your grade-schooler's behavior may get worse before it gets better. He's testing you to see if you'll really stand fast. If the mischief persists, swiftly give your youngster another time-out. Use the technique consistently, even if it seems to have no effect, and keep your explanations short and sweet: "You need to think some more about what I said."

Time-outs make your grade-schooler angrier, not calmer. Say your child grows restless and resentful (and thus more likely to misbehave) when he feels a time-out's gone on too long. In that case, the tactic isn't doing what it's supposed to — interrupt negative behavior. Keep in mind that while a minute per year is a handy guideline in setting time-outs, it isn't an absolute. (In fact, more than a few minutes may seem like an eternity to many grade-schoolers.) As soon as he's calmed down and switched gears, the time-out has served its purpose.

It's also important to make time-out just one of many strategies you employ when your child misbehaves. It's easy to fall into the habit of automatically calling time-out when you could try less drastic tactics. Rather than responding to ball throwing in the house with a time-out, for instance, offer your child a couple of acceptable alternatives: "If you want to play catch, let's go outside. If you want to stay inside, you need to find another game." If the ball throwing continues, proceed to a warning: "If you don't stop throwing the ball in the house, I'm going to put it away and give you some time to think about what I said." This sets up two possible resolutions before you move to time-out.

You can't seem to pull off time-outs away from home. This is a portable tactic. Even if you've designated a special spot for time-outs at home, you can still use the basic idea when you're out and about as long as you can find a relatively quiet spot to take your child. It could be a park bench, your car, or one of the less-traveled aisles at the grocery store. Use a calm, quiet voice to avoid embarrassing your grade-schooler and riling him further. Try to shrug off any embarrassment you might feel yourself, too — remember, you're just doing your job as a parent.

Time-out worked for a while but doesn't anymore. When time-out loses its potency, it's often because the tactic has been overused. Your grade-schooler no longer views it as an opportunity to calm down and think. Instead, he thinks of it as a repressive response to every act of assertion on his part. In this case, remind yourself that time-out is not a punishment, but a break in the action designed to help your child get a grip on his emotions and behavior. Keep in mind, too, that your grade-schooler still needs plenty of "time-in," — including encouragement, hugs, and kisses — whether or not he's doing something you like. Time-outs will regain their power when you save them for times when you're certain nothing else will work.

Take our Poll: How do you handle a child who refuses stay in a time-out?

To share your thoughts and concerns about your child's behavior problems with other parents, see our bulletin boards.

Time-outs: How to make them work (ages 6 to 8)

What to expect at this age

Most of the time, your grade-schooler acts like a "big kid" who knows how to control herself. But, in fact, she's still hard at work learning to make her way in the world, and testing her own autonomy and the limits of your authority. That means from time to time she may flout your directives and push the limits you impose. And despite her seeming maturity, your child's emotions can still get the better of her, and she may turn on a dime from a happy-go-lucky kid to a pouting, defiant rebel.

When your child crosses the line or gets too worked up for her own good, sometimes the best way to nip the behavior in the bud is to remove her from the activity at hand and give her some quiet time alone, better known as a time-out. This discipline method is a great, non-punitive way to shape behavior. The key is knowing how and when to use the technique. Six strategies for making the most of time-outs:

What to do

Understand what a time-out is — and isn't. If you don't think of a time-out as punishment neither will your child, and that's as it should be. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to help your grade-schooler cope with common frustrations and modify her behavior. While your child is in a time-out, she's on her own, so don't check on her every few minutes or try to cajole her into drying her tears. And although at times it may require superhuman effort, try not to scold, yell, or speak angrily — the point is to just let her sit in solitude for a few minutes. Quiet time alone allows your child to switch gears and calm down if she's gotten worked up. Just as importantly, it gives you the chance to step aside and not get caught up in your child's struggle. The goal of a time-out is to defuse and redirect an escalating situation in an unemotional way, and to teach your grade-schooler to behave without setting a negative example, the way yelling does.

Time the time-out. When it's called for, impose a time-out swiftly — as immediately after the transgression as possible. In fact, if you sense that your child is winding up, call a time-out before she blows. By this point, your grade-schooler understands what time-outs are all about, so you might even ask her if she thinks she needs some time to calm down. Use an old-fashioned kitchen timer to track the minutes; most experts agree that a minute a year is a good rule of thumb (so a 7-year-old would serve seven minutes). If you leave your child in time-out longer than that, she's likely to shift her focus from calming down to being angry and resentful, which counteracts what the time-out is supposed to do. If your child's progressed to the point where she accepts time-outs without too much struggle, ask her how much time she thinks she needs and have her set the timer herself. This lessens the indignity she's probably feeling (something that matters a lot to an intense, "spirited" child) and gives her some measure of control over the situation. Eventually, she may even call her own time-outs (but don't hold your breath).

Choose the right place. Some experts recommend sending kids to their bedroom for time-outs, while others suggest a less entertaining environment (like a bottom step or a chair in a nearby room). Keep in mind that the purpose of a time-out is for your child to gather herself — you decide where she'll best do this. Whatever you choose, find a time-out spot removed from the activity that set your grade-schooler off. Don't put her somewhere frightening — if she continues to act out, it's okay to close her bedroom door, but locking her in her room or banishing her to a dark pantry or basement may well be fodder for future therapy. Remember: You want to calm her down, not scare her into submission.

No matter where she serves her time, encourage your child to experiment with self-calming techniques. One advantage of bedroom time-outs: If looking at a book, listening to some music, or drawing a picture of her feelings helps your grade-schooler wind down, she'll learn how to get her temper under control by herself — a skill that'll come in handy during school hours too.

Be consistent. Decide — when you're not angry yourself — what actions merit a time-out. If you use time-out too often, you'll dilute its effectiveness, so save it for the tougher problems — aggressive acts such as hitting and throwing toys, or open defiance. Then find a quiet moment to discuss with your child the time-out policy in your family, letting her know where you'll give time-outs, for what reasons, and for how long. Once you've outlined the rules, stick to them. Being wishy-washy, or offering lengthy explanations or third and fourth chances, will only invite protests. Your grade-schooler needs to know exactly what to expect, and she needs to know that she can't wheedle her way out of it. "You hit your brother, so you're going to have a seven-minute time-out right now," is all you need to say.

Follow up. When the time-out is over, address the transgression that put her there in the first place. If she tackled her brother when he declined to share a toy, for instance, have her tell you what she did wrong and apologize to her sibling. Also ask how she'll handle the situation next time. Don't yell at her, don't lecture her, and don't give her a big hug now that it's over. She may be remorseful (and you may even feel a little guilty for banishing her), but rewarding her with positive reinforcement at the end of the time-out may actually encourage future misbehavior.

Give your child plenty of time-in, too. Just as time-outs discourage bad behavior, "time-ins" reinforce good behavior. If you find yourself constantly imposing time-outs on your child for getting into scrapes with her little sister, for instance, make every effort to "catch" your grade-schooler getting along with her too. Then tell her, "What a great job you're doing playing with Zoe. I love it when you're kind to her!" The more effort you put into time-in, the less you may need to enforce time-out.

Take our poll: Does time-out work for you?

To share your thoughts and concerns about your child's behavior problems with other parents, see our bulletin boards.

Tóm tắt cuốn Nói sao để con bạn chịu nghe và lắng nghe thì con sẽ bày tỏ

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960

Tóm tắt Đề ra giới hạn cho đứa con cứng đầu của bạn

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364

Tóm tắt cuốn 38 cách cư xử chưa đúng của trẻ và cách chuyển hóa chúng

http://www.vinabook.com/38-cach-cu-xu-chua-dung-cua-tre-cach-chuyen-hoa-chung-m11i18716.html

Tóm tắt cuốn Vì sao trẻ không nghe lời - Học cách lắng nghe Trẻ

http://www.vinabook.com/vi-sao-tre-khong-nghe-loi-hoc-cach-lang-nghe-tre-m11i29392.html
Một phút phê bình:

Phê bình hành vi của con là không thể chấp nhận được với bạn.  Khích lệ chúng đối xử thẳng thắn với bạn.

Nửa phát phê bình đầu tiên
Phê bình ngay sau khi sự việc xảy ra
Chỉ rõ con đã làm sai điều gì
Nói cảm nhận của bạn về hành vi đó
Yên lặng vài giây tạo không khí vô cùng khó chịu để con hiểu rõ cảm nhận của bạn

Nửa phút phê bình sau:
Thể hiện bằng ngôn ngữ cơ thể rằng bạn luôn theo sát chúng
Nói với con mặc dù hành vi của con sai, nhưng với bạn, con vẫn là đứa trẻ ngoan
Nói Bố mẹ rất yêu con và ôm con vào lòng. Cho qua mọi việc.  Không nhắc lại chuyện này
Nếu trẻ muốn nói gì, cần nghiêm túc lắng nghe

Tóm tắt cuốn Trẻ cứng đầu - Phải làm sao

http://www.sachhay.com/book/200908223283/tre-cung-dau-phai-lam-sao.aspx

Phép nhiệm mầu 1-2-3

Mẹ cháu đặt mua ở Amazon xong rồi mới phát hiện ra là ở VN đã dịch và bán rồi, tiếc tiền quá.

http://www.nhanvan.vn/index.php?p=detail&sach=484&nhanvan=5d38b28325b4e5911c5750385600c269">http://www.nhanvan.vn/index.php?p=detail&sach=484&nhanvan=5d38b28325b4e5911c5750385600c269

http://www.parentmagicstore.com/All-Products/1-2-3-Magic-Parenting/1-2-3-Magic-Book-NEW-3rd-Edition

Giả định sai lầm: Trẻ cọn là người lớn thu nhỏ - Trẻ con chỉ là trẻ con.

Hãy làm cho việc dọn dẹp vui nhộn

When it comes to parenting toddlers, one common problem is that toddlers like to take their toys out, but they are not so keen on putting them away.


The reason is very natural. Clean-up time is just not a whole lot of fun for anyone. At least that's the way your kids (and probably you) have been conditioned.



In my house we've changed this by anchoring a positive feeling to the whole cleanup process. When I say "anchoring a positive feeling" I mean that we have established a ritual that is fun for the kids, so it makes them feel good. Since the fun is connected to clean-up time it literally programs their brains to enjoy clean-up time.



What do we do? We play a particular song and sing along while we put away the toys. The song is "Dreamer" by Supertramp. It's a fun song and we've come up with our spoof version of it at home. Basically we substitute the word "Clean-up" instead of "Dreamer". Really complicated (not!)



"Clean-up ...everybody clean-up... Put Your hands in the air oh oh ..."



The kids probably think that these are the real lyrics. We call it "The clean-up song" at home. When my youngest daughter was just learning to speak she would shout out at the "oh oh" part because she could not sing the rest. And she did it with such enthusiasm and excitement!



One day I'll teach them the real lyrics so they don't get made fun of when they are older. It reminds me of this one "Saturday Night Live" skit where they talk about songs that are commonly sung with the wrong lyrics. "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix was on the list because some people sing "Excuse me while I kiss this guy" instead of "Excuse me while I kiss the sky". What a laugh!



Anyway back to the point of all this: My kids enjoy the clean-up process because we (parents) are actively involved and we've turned it into a fun activity with an attached feel-good song. That's why it works. There are no fights. I just put on the song and start singing. You can do this with any activity and make it fun.

Hãy học cách sử dụng từ "mầu nhiệm" này

The magic word I alluded to in the subject line is the word "because".

If you use the word "because" in the right manner, you can get people to do things with less resistance. This includes children, bosses, spouses, friends, strangers, store clerks, etc.

The way to use the word is to use the following protocol:

1) state your command/request
2) say "because"
3) state any reason.

At this point you might be thinking that I'm crazy, and that this is just too obvious. Believe me when I tell you that it works because I've ready the study that proves it.

The reason that you provide in step 3 does not have to make sense. The word "because" is a funny word that has been proven to affect people. When you hear the word "because", you simply assume that whatever follows it is a valid reason. It is an automatic function of the human brain. Just like you'd automatically pull your hand away from a hot stove top, you are literally programmed to treat "because" as a word that comes before a VALID reason. Therefore you tend to almost outright ignore the reason.

Suppose you have a 8 year old son, Tommy. He hasn't cleaned his room. You can say to him, "Tommy, clean your room because we're going out for dinner later".

What the heck does going out for dinner have to do with cleaning his room? Pretty much nothing. But this tactic works most of the time.

Try it out for yourself. It's fun.

Cách đe và phạt trẻ

a quick tip on threatening and enforcing punishment with your children.

Lots of people have emailed me asking how to get one child to stop hitting their sibling, to stop throwing food, or any other such punishable offense.

I want this email to be short and sweet, so I'll get right to the point. When you need to threaten punishment, make sure that you pick something that is realistic. If your child is throwing food after you've warned him or her to stop then you need to carry out the punishment. You can't carry it out if you made an unrealistic threat.

For example, you can't say to your child, "Johnny - if you do that ONE more time I'm going to cancel our trip to DisneyLand" ... or even worse "You'll have to stay home from DisneyLand all by yourself". Clearly these are not realistic threats, and depending on the age of your child he or she may actually realize this. But regardless, you don't want to put yourself in a position where your child repeats the offense and calls your bluff.

If you make a threat and do not carry it out then your child learns this pattern. They learn that you are not going to follow through. Then you are in bigger trouble.

So - make your threats realistic and then enforce them when you have to.

The last piece of advice I have for you is to be unemotional about punishment. You don't need to scream at your children when you punish them. You simply need to make them aware, in an unemotional way, that their behavior led to a certain outcome (punishment). That is your entire goal.

Customers who have purchased my audio course, "Talking To Toddlers" have also learned how to to introduce a punishment such that the child is much less likely to repeat the offense. We accomplish this by making the punishment feel very vivid and real in the child's mind. We do this in a very caring and compassionate way and it WORKS.

Nói với con thông qua kể chuyện

Story telling has unbelievable power, and can be used on any toddler, school-age children, or adult. The only age-dependent changes you will make are to adapt your language (naturally) to suit the audience. But let's stick with kids for this example.

Story-telling is an amazing way to create change inside of someone. The "change" that you can cause is really open-ended. Perhaps your child is very excited and you need to calm him down before bedtime. The right story can accomplish this in a heartbeat! Or maybe you signed your child up for swimming lessons and you know he or she is really nervous. Perhaps you want to overcome that nervous feeling inside of your child but you have no idea how to accomplish this.

Story telling can help you guide your child to overcome a fear or anxiety just as easily as it can calm him or her down before sleep. The trick is in what message you deliver within the story. The key to delivering a story to a toddler is to either tell a story that is directly related to the problem they face, or something where their unconscious mind will easily make the connection.

For example if you knew your child is afraid of swimming lessons you might tell a story about a baby frog, or a baby duck who was afraid of the water, but somehow overcame the fear. You would embed as many elements into the story to match your child's internal experience. This would unconsciously create comfort for your child.

These stories are also called "isomorphic metaphors". The secret to a metaphor is to never explain it's meaning. Never never never tell your child what the purpose of the story is. Trust me on this. If there is anything I've learned in the last 15 years with regard to using these communication tools, it is to never explain a metaphor. Not to a child, and not to an adult.

If you have read any guides, articles or books on parenting toddlers, I'm betting that nobody told you how much you can accomplish by telling a story. This is because my methods are NOT based on child psychology. Child psychologists can try to tell you why a child behaves a certain way, or why a child has a certain anxiety or belief. I am a believer of just fixing things, not asking a million "why" questions. Story telling is a great way to fix a problem (fix it, not hide it).

If you are having some sort of problem with your kids (we've ALL been there) ... then what matters more? Knowing "why" the problem exists, or finding a WAY to make it better?


My audio course, Talking to Toddlers, will teach you many more of the things you need in your "bag of tricks" to tell amazing stories to help your children. So you won't just tell a story. You'll understand how to embed commands, how to evoke "peak states" in your child, and how to "anchor" the peak states so you can bring them back to that same state of mind later on.

Biết đối phó với trẻ - Pick your battle wisely

How often does your child say to you, "Mommy, can I have this", or "Daddy, can I do this"? I know around my house it happens all the time. Kids are always asking for things or asking to do things.

The sad truth is that parents can be lazy. Sometimes we will say "no" to our kids because we just don't feel like getting up off our lazy bums. What I want to encourage you to start doing (today) is to pause and listen to what your child is asking you before you say "no". Stop and think about whether or not you are being lazy.

Sometimes we say no because we are being physically lazy. For example we night not want to get off the couch to play. Other times we are being emotionally lazy. What I mean by this is that sometimes you'll say "no" because you haven't put enough thought into how to satisfy your needs and your child's needs at the same time. A little "out of the box thinking" is all that is required to change this.

Of course there will be plenty of times when you need to say "no" and mean it. But what I can tell you with certainty is that you'd like to reduce those times as much as possible because if you say "no" too often, it becomes a pattern, and your kids learn to expect you to say no. Then they stop listening. That is not a good result.

In my audio course I reveal a bunch of examples of how you can think outside of the box, and I teach you a new way to think about any "problem" before you respond negatively to your child. This is NOT about letting your child push you around. It's about avoiding fights when you can solve a problem using creative thinking. It just plain works.

Sức mạnh của việc nhất quán

Did you know that people tend to act in a way that is consistent with their prior actions and public statements? Well, maybe this is not true for politicians, but generally it is true. By getting someone to make an innocent public statement about something, or by taking some small action towards one goal, you can set them up to take bigger action later, and they won't even notice the setup. The rule of consistency is a powerful strategy to influence people, even if it is a bit sneaky.

With toddlers this same rule works very well but it must be applied differently. I teach you how to do this in my audio course. In essence, young kids tend to respond better to physical commitment to something (taking some small action) rather than verbal commitment (agreeing something). Young kids will often reverse on their prior verbal statements.

Have you ever run into this situation? You ask your child what he or she wants to eat for lunch. You get an answer (maybe Peanut Butter on Toast). You make the meal, and then when the meal is ready your child says, "No I don't want that"

I have been there! It is frustrating! Kids are really cute but this sort of behavior can really get on your nerves, can't it?

What I'll show you in my audio course is how to use the rule of consistency in a very specific way to get your child to go along with what they've asked for. It pretty much ends the problem of kids asking for one meal and then later telling you they've changed their minds. It's a beautiful strategy because it lets kids choose things for themselves, but takes away their interest in changing their mind later.

Meals are not the only time when kids change their minds. They can change their mind about what clothes they want to wear, what TV show they want to watch, what toy they want to play with, what activity they want to do, etc. It's nice to have a powerful tool to get your toddlers to stick with their initial decisions. How frustrating is it when your child wants to change his or her mind on what clothes to wear just as you need to usher them into the car to go somewhere? I know - it can be very frustrating!

You can put an end to these problems by learning language tools.

I can't make you buy the audio course that I'm offering. I sure hope you have enough interest in learning to make the right decision, but I can't force you to take the next step. I'm just happy that you took the first few steps by listening to my free audio lesson and reading these email tips that you've been getting from me. But it is up to you to take the next step in learning how to communicate in a much more powerful way.

Bạn có muốn thêm nhận xét của bạn vào câu chuyện không?

Did you know that you can use a simple communication technique to embed commands within your conversations? This is an easy tool to learn, and particularly with young children it is **very** effective.

The name of the tool sounds weird - "Embedded commands". But the truth is that this technique was invented by Dr. MIilton H. Erickson. You probably have never heard of him. He was a genius and he helped a lot of people in his life. He was psychiatrist who specialized in medical hypnosis and family therapy. He pretty much invented the field of indirect hypnosis.

Remember that I use hypnosis and NLP techniques to deal with kids. If my daughter has a hard time sleeping, or an upset stomach I'll absolutely use trance and hypnosis to help her overcome the problem. I do NOT teach hypnosis in the Talking to Toddlers audio course. Instead, I borrow some of the key concepts that you can make use of in everyday interaction with your kids.

Embedded commands is one such example. Simply put, imagine that you want to emphasize something. You can say it loud, you can slow down your words, or you can make a big gesture with your hands. Or maybe you put your hand on someone's shoulder when you are emphasizing something.

Imagine you wanted your child to start to become ready for bed. You could tell a simple story (true or made up) and mark out a portion of your sentence that your child's unconscious mind will hear as a command. The command could be "you are ready for bed".

Milton Erickson used this technique with his secretary, who suffered from migraine headaches. She would get a migraine and he would insist that she type out his dictations (back in the typewriter days). He would dictate utter nonsense to her, but he would slip in suggestions about "the pain is easing", and "start to feel much better". After 10 minutes of dictation she would have no more headache.

I hope this convinces you how powerful of a tool set it is that I can offer you. When you use embedded commands on your kids you can cause them to listen and act according to your commands more often. They won't realize what you are doing, so there is no resistance.

Let me make a final comment about embedded commands. The tool is not some magic wand. You can't just utter some simple words and have people follow your commands. This is not some weird mind control. It's about planting seeds of suggestion in a covert way. If you wanted to plant a tree you would probably plant SEVERAL seeds. It's the same with these tools. You plant several "seeds of suggestion" and you do it in a specific way. I teach you how to do this in my course.


My wife always used to laugh when I told her about the power of these tools. Initially, as a stay at home mom, she used to get very stressed out.

I'd come home around dinner time and she would literally need an hour or two just to unwind after the kids were in bed. She would always hand them off to me when I got home. She figured that the reason they were suddenly so calm and well behaved was because I was not around them all day prior to taking over.

I remember the day when she finally saw the light and decided to learn these tools for herself. The kids were really in a mood and were screaming. I walked in the front door. I immediately entered their world as I described earlier in my emails to you, and then I launched into a series of embedded commands, along with some confusion techniques. Within 2 minutes, I had the kids totally calm, and we were having FUN.

As I was using these communication tools, I was looking over at my wife giving her a look. The look meant, "You know what I'm doing, you should start taking this seriously so you can get the exact same results".

That was the day she saw the light.

So,If you really want to learn how to take control of your out-of-control kids, then you should get serious about it now

Từ nào làm phát sinh cơn ăn vạ của bé

let's talk about the often-faced problem of having to say "no" to your child. In my experience, many tantrums begin simply because a toddler or child goes up to Mom or Dad and says, "I want this" (whatever "this" is). It might be a cookie before dinner, but it can be anything. Toddlers ask us for things, or ask us to do things for them all the time. Sometimes, as parents, we just can't deliver or we aren't willing to deliver.


Usually, I find that the moment you say "no" to your child, the tantrum begins. I want to tell you that there are much better ways to communicate so that you won't cause a tantrum. I teach this to you in detail during the audio course, but let me give you a tip right now.


Here it is: Enter your child's world! We already talked about a few days ago, but here is how you apply it. Instead of saying "no", you simply say, "So you are asking me ....(fill in the blank)".


Whatever your child is asking you for, it is FAR better to repeat their request to them so that they know you heard them and understand them. Then, after you've done that (to build rapport), you can move onto various methods of distraction or logical progression.

Làm thế nào để bé có cảm giác mình được tự chọn

How to enter your child's world and then get them to actually do what you want them to do.

Let's jump right in. Pretend your son, Tommy, is really engrossed in a TV show, but it is now time for supper. Your task is to get him to come to he table without a fight.

As you already learned, you begin by entering his world. You might go sit beside him and ask him a few (interested sounding) questions about the TV show. When you've successfully entered his world then you have completed step 1. Easy enough.

What do you do next? There are so many options that I can teach you, but I'll pick one that is simple. It is known as a "double bind". It works by creating the illusion of choice. Giving toddlers a choice is highly effective, and keeping the choices limited makes it even more effective. You never want to present a whole assortment of options. Just two or three choices at most. But the trick with a double bind is that the "choices" are all variants of the same basic outcome. There really is no choice!

Example: "Tommy, this is a great TV show. I want to finish watching it with you after I clean up from dinner. Do you want to help me put your supper on your plate right now, or would you like to help me pour you a glass of milk instead?"

As you can see, in this example, we've entered Tommy's world, then we've addressed the TV show he is watching. We then told him we want to finish watching it with him later (preparing him for transition to supper time without him knowing it). Then, finally, we presented him with a double bind. The choices were to help put dinner on his own plate, or help pour himself a glass of milk.

Do we really care which he chooses? No, of course not. They both result in Tommy pulling himself away from the TV set and joining you at the table.

Now, what I showed you in this example was very basic. Some parents already use it - but the power is in the setup! This is a fine point that is not well understood.