Alternatives to threats (ages 6 to 8)

We've all been there: Your grade-schooler does something you don't want her to, over and over again. Finally, you snap and threaten to ground her for life if it happens again. Here, tips for saying something you won't regret later:

You want your child to:	Instead of this:	Say this:	Which is better because:
Go to bed and stay there	"If you get out of bed one more time, I'll scream."	"After you go to bed, I expect you to stay there."	The expectation for the behavior is clear and unemotional.
Eat her peas and carrots	"You're going to sit at the table until you finish your peas."	"Remember — no snacks after dinner."	It reminds her that the kitchen's closed, but she can still choose whether or not to eat.
Do her homework	"You can't play until your homework's done."	"I'll drive you to Ellie's as soon as you finish your work."	It rewards instead of punishes.
Brush her teeth	"No bedtime story if you don't brush your teeth."	"It's time for bed. What do you do first to get ready?"	It lets her know it's time for her bedtime routine without being punitive.
Behave in the grocery store	"Stop running now or no TV when we get home."	"Can you help me find the cereal you like?"	It distracts from the negative behavior and offers a positive alternative.
Feed the dog	"Feed the dog or we'll give him away."	"The dog looks hungry. Here's his food."	It reminds your child of her responsibility.
Ask without whining	"If you whine once more, I'll take your Powerpuff Girls away."	"I'd like to listen, but I can only understand your normal voice."	It lets her know you're interested in what she's saying, but won't accept the tone.
Clean up her room	"No dinner until your room is clean."	"I'd like you to pick up your toys and put them in your toy chest. Do you want to do that before or after dinner?"	It makes your expectations clear, but also gives your grade-schooler a choice.
Stop tattling	"I'm not taking a tattletale to the playground."	"It sounds like you're upset with your sister. You need to tell her why."	It helps your youngster understand that kids have to work it out together.
Be quiet in the car	"If you scream one more time, we'll turn around and go home."	"I'm having a hard time driving. I need to pull over until you're settled."	It lets your child know the effect, limits, and consequences of her behavior.

Dorothy Foltz-Gray is a freelance writer and mother of two in Knoxville, Tenn.

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