When it comes to parenting toddlers, one common problem is that toddlers like to take their toys out, but they are not so keen on putting them away.
The reason is very natural. Clean-up time is just not a whole lot of fun for anyone. At least that's the way your kids (and probably you) have been conditioned.
In my house we've changed this by anchoring a positive feeling to the whole cleanup process. When I say "anchoring a positive feeling" I mean that we have established a ritual that is fun for the kids, so it makes them feel good. Since the fun is connected to clean-up time it literally programs their brains to enjoy clean-up time.
What do we do? We play a particular song and sing along while we put away the toys. The song is "Dreamer" by Supertramp. It's a fun song and we've come up with our spoof version of it at home. Basically we substitute the word "Clean-up" instead of "Dreamer". Really complicated (not!)
"Clean-up ...everybody clean-up... Put Your hands in the air oh oh ..."
The kids probably think that these are the real lyrics. We call it "The clean-up song" at home. When my youngest daughter was just learning to speak she would shout out at the "oh oh" part because she could not sing the rest. And she did it with such enthusiasm and excitement!
One day I'll teach them the real lyrics so they don't get made fun of when they are older. It reminds me of this one "Saturday Night Live" skit where they talk about songs that are commonly sung with the wrong lyrics. "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix was on the list because some people sing "Excuse me while I kiss this guy" instead of "Excuse me while I kiss the sky". What a laugh!
Anyway back to the point of all this: My kids enjoy the clean-up process because we (parents) are actively involved and we've turned it into a fun activity with an attached feel-good song. That's why it works. There are no fights. I just put on the song and start singing. You can do this with any activity and make it fun.
Hãy học cách sử dụng từ "mầu nhiệm" này
The magic word I alluded to in the subject line is the word "because".
If you use the word "because" in the right manner, you can get people to do things with less resistance. This includes children, bosses, spouses, friends, strangers, store clerks, etc.
The way to use the word is to use the following protocol:
1) state your command/request
2) say "because"
3) state any reason.
At this point you might be thinking that I'm crazy, and that this is just too obvious. Believe me when I tell you that it works because I've ready the study that proves it.
The reason that you provide in step 3 does not have to make sense. The word "because" is a funny word that has been proven to affect people. When you hear the word "because", you simply assume that whatever follows it is a valid reason. It is an automatic function of the human brain. Just like you'd automatically pull your hand away from a hot stove top, you are literally programmed to treat "because" as a word that comes before a VALID reason. Therefore you tend to almost outright ignore the reason.
Suppose you have a 8 year old son, Tommy. He hasn't cleaned his room. You can say to him, "Tommy, clean your room because we're going out for dinner later".
What the heck does going out for dinner have to do with cleaning his room? Pretty much nothing. But this tactic works most of the time.
Try it out for yourself. It's fun.
If you use the word "because" in the right manner, you can get people to do things with less resistance. This includes children, bosses, spouses, friends, strangers, store clerks, etc.
The way to use the word is to use the following protocol:
1) state your command/request
2) say "because"
3) state any reason.
At this point you might be thinking that I'm crazy, and that this is just too obvious. Believe me when I tell you that it works because I've ready the study that proves it.
The reason that you provide in step 3 does not have to make sense. The word "because" is a funny word that has been proven to affect people. When you hear the word "because", you simply assume that whatever follows it is a valid reason. It is an automatic function of the human brain. Just like you'd automatically pull your hand away from a hot stove top, you are literally programmed to treat "because" as a word that comes before a VALID reason. Therefore you tend to almost outright ignore the reason.
Suppose you have a 8 year old son, Tommy. He hasn't cleaned his room. You can say to him, "Tommy, clean your room because we're going out for dinner later".
What the heck does going out for dinner have to do with cleaning his room? Pretty much nothing. But this tactic works most of the time.
Try it out for yourself. It's fun.
Cách đe và phạt trẻ
a quick tip on threatening and enforcing punishment with your children.
Lots of people have emailed me asking how to get one child to stop hitting their sibling, to stop throwing food, or any other such punishable offense.
I want this email to be short and sweet, so I'll get right to the point. When you need to threaten punishment, make sure that you pick something that is realistic. If your child is throwing food after you've warned him or her to stop then you need to carry out the punishment. You can't carry it out if you made an unrealistic threat.
For example, you can't say to your child, "Johnny - if you do that ONE more time I'm going to cancel our trip to DisneyLand" ... or even worse "You'll have to stay home from DisneyLand all by yourself". Clearly these are not realistic threats, and depending on the age of your child he or she may actually realize this. But regardless, you don't want to put yourself in a position where your child repeats the offense and calls your bluff.
If you make a threat and do not carry it out then your child learns this pattern. They learn that you are not going to follow through. Then you are in bigger trouble.
So - make your threats realistic and then enforce them when you have to.
The last piece of advice I have for you is to be unemotional about punishment. You don't need to scream at your children when you punish them. You simply need to make them aware, in an unemotional way, that their behavior led to a certain outcome (punishment). That is your entire goal.
Customers who have purchased my audio course, "Talking To Toddlers" have also learned how to to introduce a punishment such that the child is much less likely to repeat the offense. We accomplish this by making the punishment feel very vivid and real in the child's mind. We do this in a very caring and compassionate way and it WORKS.
Lots of people have emailed me asking how to get one child to stop hitting their sibling, to stop throwing food, or any other such punishable offense.
I want this email to be short and sweet, so I'll get right to the point. When you need to threaten punishment, make sure that you pick something that is realistic. If your child is throwing food after you've warned him or her to stop then you need to carry out the punishment. You can't carry it out if you made an unrealistic threat.
For example, you can't say to your child, "Johnny - if you do that ONE more time I'm going to cancel our trip to DisneyLand" ... or even worse "You'll have to stay home from DisneyLand all by yourself". Clearly these are not realistic threats, and depending on the age of your child he or she may actually realize this. But regardless, you don't want to put yourself in a position where your child repeats the offense and calls your bluff.
If you make a threat and do not carry it out then your child learns this pattern. They learn that you are not going to follow through. Then you are in bigger trouble.
So - make your threats realistic and then enforce them when you have to.
The last piece of advice I have for you is to be unemotional about punishment. You don't need to scream at your children when you punish them. You simply need to make them aware, in an unemotional way, that their behavior led to a certain outcome (punishment). That is your entire goal.
Customers who have purchased my audio course, "Talking To Toddlers" have also learned how to to introduce a punishment such that the child is much less likely to repeat the offense. We accomplish this by making the punishment feel very vivid and real in the child's mind. We do this in a very caring and compassionate way and it WORKS.
Nói với con thông qua kể chuyện
Story telling has unbelievable power, and can be used on any toddler, school-age children, or adult. The only age-dependent changes you will make are to adapt your language (naturally) to suit the audience. But let's stick with kids for this example.
Story-telling is an amazing way to create change inside of someone. The "change" that you can cause is really open-ended. Perhaps your child is very excited and you need to calm him down before bedtime. The right story can accomplish this in a heartbeat! Or maybe you signed your child up for swimming lessons and you know he or she is really nervous. Perhaps you want to overcome that nervous feeling inside of your child but you have no idea how to accomplish this.
Story telling can help you guide your child to overcome a fear or anxiety just as easily as it can calm him or her down before sleep. The trick is in what message you deliver within the story. The key to delivering a story to a toddler is to either tell a story that is directly related to the problem they face, or something where their unconscious mind will easily make the connection.
For example if you knew your child is afraid of swimming lessons you might tell a story about a baby frog, or a baby duck who was afraid of the water, but somehow overcame the fear. You would embed as many elements into the story to match your child's internal experience. This would unconsciously create comfort for your child.
These stories are also called "isomorphic metaphors". The secret to a metaphor is to never explain it's meaning. Never never never tell your child what the purpose of the story is. Trust me on this. If there is anything I've learned in the last 15 years with regard to using these communication tools, it is to never explain a metaphor. Not to a child, and not to an adult.
If you have read any guides, articles or books on parenting toddlers, I'm betting that nobody told you how much you can accomplish by telling a story. This is because my methods are NOT based on child psychology. Child psychologists can try to tell you why a child behaves a certain way, or why a child has a certain anxiety or belief. I am a believer of just fixing things, not asking a million "why" questions. Story telling is a great way to fix a problem (fix it, not hide it).
If you are having some sort of problem with your kids (we've ALL been there) ... then what matters more? Knowing "why" the problem exists, or finding a WAY to make it better?
My audio course, Talking to Toddlers, will teach you many more of the things you need in your "bag of tricks" to tell amazing stories to help your children. So you won't just tell a story. You'll understand how to embed commands, how to evoke "peak states" in your child, and how to "anchor" the peak states so you can bring them back to that same state of mind later on.
Story-telling is an amazing way to create change inside of someone. The "change" that you can cause is really open-ended. Perhaps your child is very excited and you need to calm him down before bedtime. The right story can accomplish this in a heartbeat! Or maybe you signed your child up for swimming lessons and you know he or she is really nervous. Perhaps you want to overcome that nervous feeling inside of your child but you have no idea how to accomplish this.
Story telling can help you guide your child to overcome a fear or anxiety just as easily as it can calm him or her down before sleep. The trick is in what message you deliver within the story. The key to delivering a story to a toddler is to either tell a story that is directly related to the problem they face, or something where their unconscious mind will easily make the connection.
For example if you knew your child is afraid of swimming lessons you might tell a story about a baby frog, or a baby duck who was afraid of the water, but somehow overcame the fear. You would embed as many elements into the story to match your child's internal experience. This would unconsciously create comfort for your child.
These stories are also called "isomorphic metaphors". The secret to a metaphor is to never explain it's meaning. Never never never tell your child what the purpose of the story is. Trust me on this. If there is anything I've learned in the last 15 years with regard to using these communication tools, it is to never explain a metaphor. Not to a child, and not to an adult.
If you have read any guides, articles or books on parenting toddlers, I'm betting that nobody told you how much you can accomplish by telling a story. This is because my methods are NOT based on child psychology. Child psychologists can try to tell you why a child behaves a certain way, or why a child has a certain anxiety or belief. I am a believer of just fixing things, not asking a million "why" questions. Story telling is a great way to fix a problem (fix it, not hide it).
If you are having some sort of problem with your kids (we've ALL been there) ... then what matters more? Knowing "why" the problem exists, or finding a WAY to make it better?
My audio course, Talking to Toddlers, will teach you many more of the things you need in your "bag of tricks" to tell amazing stories to help your children. So you won't just tell a story. You'll understand how to embed commands, how to evoke "peak states" in your child, and how to "anchor" the peak states so you can bring them back to that same state of mind later on.
Biết đối phó với trẻ - Pick your battle wisely
How often does your child say to you, "Mommy, can I have this", or "Daddy, can I do this"? I know around my house it happens all the time. Kids are always asking for things or asking to do things.
The sad truth is that parents can be lazy. Sometimes we will say "no" to our kids because we just don't feel like getting up off our lazy bums. What I want to encourage you to start doing (today) is to pause and listen to what your child is asking you before you say "no". Stop and think about whether or not you are being lazy.
Sometimes we say no because we are being physically lazy. For example we night not want to get off the couch to play. Other times we are being emotionally lazy. What I mean by this is that sometimes you'll say "no" because you haven't put enough thought into how to satisfy your needs and your child's needs at the same time. A little "out of the box thinking" is all that is required to change this.
Of course there will be plenty of times when you need to say "no" and mean it. But what I can tell you with certainty is that you'd like to reduce those times as much as possible because if you say "no" too often, it becomes a pattern, and your kids learn to expect you to say no. Then they stop listening. That is not a good result.
In my audio course I reveal a bunch of examples of how you can think outside of the box, and I teach you a new way to think about any "problem" before you respond negatively to your child. This is NOT about letting your child push you around. It's about avoiding fights when you can solve a problem using creative thinking. It just plain works.
The sad truth is that parents can be lazy. Sometimes we will say "no" to our kids because we just don't feel like getting up off our lazy bums. What I want to encourage you to start doing (today) is to pause and listen to what your child is asking you before you say "no". Stop and think about whether or not you are being lazy.
Sometimes we say no because we are being physically lazy. For example we night not want to get off the couch to play. Other times we are being emotionally lazy. What I mean by this is that sometimes you'll say "no" because you haven't put enough thought into how to satisfy your needs and your child's needs at the same time. A little "out of the box thinking" is all that is required to change this.
Of course there will be plenty of times when you need to say "no" and mean it. But what I can tell you with certainty is that you'd like to reduce those times as much as possible because if you say "no" too often, it becomes a pattern, and your kids learn to expect you to say no. Then they stop listening. That is not a good result.
In my audio course I reveal a bunch of examples of how you can think outside of the box, and I teach you a new way to think about any "problem" before you respond negatively to your child. This is NOT about letting your child push you around. It's about avoiding fights when you can solve a problem using creative thinking. It just plain works.
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